I need a screenply based on this idea and report. The writer can make it better wherever he feels it needs improvement. I has been written once and it was poorly done I would like someone to take the notes and change the story a bit.
SWOOSH REPORT – Allan K.
The following is an analysis of the screenplay entitled SWOOSH from the perspective of commercial viability, story, identifiability, genre, humor, budget.
COMMERCIAL VIABILITY: - The story reminds me of a newer hipper Alvin and the Chipmunks with our Mongoose being Alvin and out human lead being the equivalent of the other two chipmunks. The Mongoose can be huge for marketing and cross promotion. The lead character Leon is very funny and the audiences will love him. What I particularly like is that this is not ultimately a basketball movie but a story of a teenager trying to find himself. Young audiences should love it.
IDENTIFIABILITY: - For the 14-24 crowd Leon will win them over. We all identify with a dreamer like Leon. Wanting to be an athlete, dreaming the impossible. With a little added to his affection for Tia young audiences will enjoy this treat.
GENRE: - Comedy is always popular. Alvin and the Chipmunks raked in the money and with good work done on the Mongoose there are tons of laughs to be found.
HUMOR: - In the rewrite a decision has to be made about what type of crowd do you want. Do you want family or the dating crowd? I think with the right nuance both can be had. This story is not only funny but also has heart something everyone appreciates in a good escapist movie.
BUDGET: - If done properly this movie could be affordable budget wise. There are all types of ways to go. But it definitely does not have to be too expensive. There are special effects and the Mongoose has to be as good as Alvin of Chipmunk fame.
STORY: - The idea of this movie is great. A comedy with heart, a fun story idea of a young man trying to find himself. The writer is very creative, very funny and green. The script does need a professional hand though. A rewrite is needed, but the basis for something special is right there.
SWOOSH – The Story
LEON, a high school senior, and our hero, has to be one of the worst basketball players ever. He’s so bad his coach suggests he put on a blindfold and go play in traffic. The most outrageous element of Leon’s personality is he’s convinced he has “Mad ball Skills” and is oblivious that he is on the team as a favor to his Dad. When we first meet Leon he sneaks onto the court just as their High School game is in its last moments and the team is down by one. Leon is so excited he starts dancing, despite being cocky, crazy and oblivious Leon is quite lovable. Leon proceeds to hog the ball, in a truly laughable manner, and loses the game. The fans might like him but his coach and fellow players do not.
Leon is cut from the team, but this kid is a dynamo of infectious dancability and delight. The coach has no chance as Leon charms his way back onto the team with one last chance.
Leon’s a dreamer, like many young men he blindly believes one day he will play pro ball. But unlike many teenagers Leon does not have a plethora of talent, in fact he does not even have a smidgen of talent. His belief in himself makes you wonder if something is wrong with him. One tends to laugh at him as much as with him. What does win us over is his relationship with his POP. Leon’s Pop is a lovable guy himself and he tries to talk sense to his son, even if it bounces off the wall. Pop has a few issues of his own, despite once being an athletic talent he is now just trying to stay employed. His newest job is as a custodian (read janitor) in an office building. Leon wishes him luck as the two part ways… neither the wiser.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, in a certain building that will be very relevant very soon. A mad scientist is experimenting with of all things… a mongoose. The experiment seems to be to give the Mongoose such jumping ability and possibly other relevant talents that an NBA talent, or potential talent, would pay big to use the very drug. The scientist is testing the drug on the Mongoose and the result is surprising. The Mongoose might have athletic abilities, more shall be revealed, but there is one very strange side effect that throws the scientist for a loop… the Mongoose can … talk. The result is a little critter who’s both a wise ass and very cute.
Leon is sent on a mission by his Mom; deliver some food for your Dad on his new job. Leon reluctantly goes, but then finds himself in the middle of a grand adventure. The office building is the same place where the mad scientist is experimenting. The Mongoose has gotten free and Leon discovers that the drug is a powerhouse of promise for someone who wants to leap like a pro basketball player. Leon wants in on the drug. He has an hysterical fantasy about how famous he is going to be when he gets the drug and takes over the world like a super star. It is then when his Dad discovers him and Pop is not happy finding his son in a laboratory in the building on his first day on the job. He escorts his son out before they’re caught but Leon still manages to steal some of the “orange serum” that the scientist developed. On top of this Leon adopts the Mongoose having no idea that it can talk.
At home Leon experiments with the drug and finds it gives him the ability to jump very high. He also learns that the Mongoose can talk and the two wise asses bond in their own smart alecky way.
At school the Mongoose gets Leon in trouble and he goes to the principal’s office where the nutty principal lets him off because of his charm and more likely his Dad.
At practice Leon dunks and does a monstrous back flip. The coach is blown away and immediately takes a huge liking to Leon.
At home Leon has to deal with his Mom and the Mongoose who has an appetite for chewing on underwear, including Leon’s Mom’s.
Time for a big inner city BB game. Leon tanks up on the drug and makes a hilarious, James Brown singing debut in front of the crowd. Leon then wows the crowd with his mad skills and wins the game.
The Scientist realizes his drug has been stolen and figures out it must have been the kid he saw near his lab earlier.
We find out Leon has a crush on a girl named TIA. He tries to play up to her now that he’s a mad skills BB player. She plays it cool. Since he’s so inexperienced with girls he doesn’t quite know how to make his move.
Pop is fired from his job, because of Leon. The Scientist is now trying to find Leon and he has a bodyguard to help him.
The Scientist finally catches Leon and gives him a pill to fight the drug and its dangerous side effects.
The next day Leon is in another game and come half time he has shown nothing. He has no points, horrendous defense, just a miserable performance. Everyone is disappointed.
The second half is no better but Pop stays with him, encouraging him and with ten seconds left Leon slam-dunks his only two points as he’s fueled by his Pops belief in him.
Leon decides to go to Howard University and he gets a kiss from his girl that makes him very happy.
Leon’s pet Mongoose appears and the two are a team again. Start up the sequels.